Latest atrocities from the Innovations catalogue

* This is a group email my dear husby composed and sent out in the spirit of Christmas cheer this week.
He asks, nay, INSISTS that we continue to be sent the Innovations catalogue.
For those not in the know, it's a catalogue of Stuff. Some of it's pretty funny. See below:

Yes, Christmas is nearly upon us again. Thank goodness for the Innovations
catalogue which never fails to provide distinctive gift ideas. As their
masthead
proudly boasts, their products are "Unique, Unusual, Different" - have Cath and
Kim opened an advertising agency??

The latest Christmas catalogue does not disappoint, combining ugliness with
stupidity as only Innovations can. I have selected the top three items for
those
hard-to-buy-for relatives or friends.

1. Pet owners rejoice. Now you can imprison your best friend inside this
tasteful end table every time visitors arrive. Serve tea directly over its
head as it lies sullenly, just waiting for small fingers to poke between the
bars. If the constant whimpering and whining begins to hamper conversation, you
have only to wait for Innovations to bring out the special detachable sound-
proofing baffles (for that total "Papillon" experience). The only problem with
this product is that once your pet has experienced the horror of this canine
Changi, it will never again enter of its own free will. It is then necessary to
purchase the portable fencing to guide it to its doom, and a Rottweiler to chase
it in. Unfortunately, you will then need a second end table for the
Rottweiler, and Innovations have not yet explained how it is to be coaxed in
without significant blood loss on the part of the owner (You). Stay tuned for
developments in the next catalogue.

2. Wow! A faux ivy screen. I have spent the last 11 years trying to keep ivy
from invading and strangling my property, and now I have the solution. If I
mount these screens all along my fenceline, the real ivy will think my block is
already infested and move on next door. Brilliant. It is comforting to know
that they are weather-resistant as well. Isn't it?

3. Finally. A strong, light, pretty floral aluminium collapsible walking stick
in a bag. For those unexpected times when you just feel a bit crippled. The
cheerful pattern takes all the misery out of immobility and as soon as you can
hobble down to your local fundamentalist church for a healing, the stick
conveniently folds back down into its bag for future use. Brilliant.

I sincerely hope this solves all your shopping problems for the year. Merry
Christmas.