As we plummet twards the peak of hobnobbery and eating outery, I find meself workshopping a thing that ought not need workshopping. It's a thing that shouldn't exist amongst civilised, egalitarian, inclusive, generous grown-ups. Yet here it is, existing. Granted the anachronism of it means it's dying a fast death, it's not quite fast enough for the likes of moi. What is it ? I hear youz yelping. It's this:
BILL SPLITTING
I fucking hate it like poison, and find those who posture over it and sneer at dissent to be objectionable bullies, whose self-interest and focus on money overrides all that is good and decent. Also, they're dumber than housebricks. I've actually had one in particular suggest it's mean-spirited and a buzz kill to attempt to pay for what you've actually consumed. Rich, no? Coming from the person who felt it was just ticketty boo to shame those of straightened means (and who ordered accordingly) into subsidizing her $40 bottles of wine and three course meals. Just how in hell is that good-timey and generous? I'd be mortified if someone on a tight budget had to pay for my meal. Mortified, I tell ya!
Point is, we're headed for a raft of meals with compulsive bill splitters and I've decided it's time to make a stand. Last time a particular group stiffed us it was to the tune of $150. We literally ate $25 worth of food, no alcohol. Forked over $175 after the Chief Bully made the executive decision (with zero consultation) to split the bill. Worse still, at the same shindig an unemployed single parent friend diligently kept his eating to a total of $15, not for a minute imagining that someone would actually demand we split the bill, but was asked for $100. Absolutely thoughtless. So fucking busy posturing and appearing flush and full of largesse that they forget to behave like human beings.
Anyway, I've discovered that I'm not alone in finding this practice abhorrent - given our classless society there's very little chance that a group of 10 or more are all going to be in the same income bracket - and consequently there are plenty of tips for avoiding this bullying behaviour. The one I'm opting for is to simply, towards the end of the meal but before the bullies have a chance to commandeer proceedings, discretely go to cashier and pay up for what we've consumed, plus tip. When the bullies demand our 'share, I'll have this prepared earlier "yeah, no probs, thanks. we paid ours earlier - thought we'd make it 4 people easier for you" and smile nicely. The bullies will undoubtedly find this sneer-worthy and will call it unsporting and petty. But of course at no time will they consider that demanding everyone play their game (whether they can afford it or not) is the least sporty and most petty behaviour imaginable in a situation that should be about the company, not the money. Where's the friggin love?
And why does it bother them so much, to be truly egalitarian and allow everyone to pay their way? There are only two possible answers. a) they're so deeply obsessed with appearing flush that any suggestion of the realities of otherwiseness is terrifying - so they elect to demonise penury in a public shaming, or b) they're don't actually want to pay their own way and think nothing of having someone who is effectively broke pay for their high living. Whatever it is, I loathe it.
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